My Anxiety Makes Me Feel Like A Failure

 I'm tired of feeling so anxious..about everything.

I'm tired of trying so hard. Trying my best to ignore it and pretend it isn't there. 

Letting thoughts take over my mind and just wanting to hide myself away.

Some days i can ignore it but some days i can't and that is when it takes over.

I never really suffered from anxiety until i became a mother. That is when it hit me the hardest.

Every day there will be something i'm anxious about, whether it be something about my children, being able to leave the house or sometimes it can be from some horrible thought iv'e had. 
Sometimes it makes me feel like i'm failing as a mother, or a friend or as a daughter. 
It can sometimes make me feel like i'm not good enough, like maybe there's something wrong with me.
Some days it can make me cry because i get so overwhelmed with feeling this way that i eventually just give into it.

Sometimes i question everything. Am i being too annoying? Am i even liked? What if my children think i'm a bad mother? 
Sometimes i find things really awkward, because i find it hard to start a conversation with people. I find it hard to make friends because i'm socially awkward. I can be quite shy and sometimes i feel like people probably think i'm being rude but i'm really not. 
I find myself saying sorry a lot because i get worried iv'e offended someone. 
Sometimes i find it hard to fall asleep because my mind wants to make up stuff to worry about, so i will lie there trying so hard not to fall into the trap. 

I get anxious about my children sleeping, i worry they will go to sleep and if i don't check on them they wont wake up in the morning. I torment myself with these thoughts everyday, its like i'm fighting a battle against myself. I get worried i'll lose them on a day out if i don't keep my eye on them at all times. I worry that one day they will grow up and won't need me as much anymore. 

It finally reached a point where it all got too much and i had to be put on anxiety medication and it really does help, it is probably one of the best decisions i made. Of course it doesn't make my anxiety disappear it just helps me cope with it a bit better.  On my good days i can brush it off but on the bad days i just feel like staying in bed.

It's not only the mental side of it, but the physical side of it too that affects me. When i'm feeling anxious i tend to sweat, feel sick, heart beats really fast, and i get butterflies inside my tummy. It really isn't a nice feeling and i try to do something to take my mind of it, but sometimes i just cant. 

I hate having to feel this way in front of my children because i don't want them to see my at my lowest, i don't want them to feel sad because mummy is. But the best thing is when they know mummy is sad they wrap their little arms around me and it makes me feel that bit better, knowing that my life has meaning and i'm their whole world. I wake up every morning and i feel ever so grateful to be able to wake up to my 3 boys. 

"The biggest obstacle you'll ever have to overcome is your mind, and if you can overcome that you can overcome anything" 
I absolutely agree with that. 

Emma xox